Parenting isn’t all about the pretty,joyful,fairytale stuff. It can be challenging and exhausting and that is alright.

 Our little bundles of joy come into this world, fragile and in need of our continuous support and attention day in day out. Meeting their physical, emotional and cognitive needs at the different milestones takes selflessness and sacrifice, for sure. It can become more stressful as infants move into toddlerhood and it feels almost like you’ve been flung into a family living condition that is like running around, rearing a pack of wild animals.

 On top of having to look after their feeding & nutrition, hygiene, behavior and socialisation we are meant to be focusing on their spiritual betterment; helping them to build up their life skills to guide them to a bright future in Dunyaa and A’akihra’. It means looking for methods to uphold and protect their innate goodness and to protect them from the things that will destroy it.

 Talking from personal experience, we pressure ourselves more with our firstborns because we are testing the waters working out ways that we can make the best out of his or her first few years. There is an endless path of un-knowns and this can be very daunting! It brings up uncomfortable emotions that we are forced to come to terms with on a daily basis as we navigate the barrage of testing interactions with our cheeky children …their natural inquisitiveness and troubles dealing with their shifts in moods/temperaments. After a hard day of parenting, its only natural that they can get under our skin, irritate us and stretch us out thin.

 When we have babies and up to around 5 years old, being sleep deprived throws us into an even more intense state of disorder and confusion making some of the smallest and simplest of jobs feel crippling and overwhelming. Can you imagine that whilst you are in the middle of this groggy zombie- like state; struggling to keep awake …. you are suddenly jolted back into high alert mode? One or more of your kids have picked that exact moment to fuss or call out to you in order to be fed, soothed /reassured or to use the potty.

  But, aside from these basic needs, infants and little children sometimes have seemingly nothing better to o on their daily agendas than use their pent up energy to destroy the living room as loudly and messily as they can; making you reach your absolute tipping point. Don’t get me started on when they whine or jabber on and on with no clear focus of  where this complaint or made believe story is headed, until your head is about to pop off.   As head of your household, it honestly takes every shred of patience to hold it all in and not let the floodgates of your annoyance open, to then employ the more traditional methods of discipline. I know that as this point the majority of you are picturing a swat on the behind, a swift ear twist or a smack on the palm using a cane. Anything to put your foot down and say “no”.

 Coping with pre-teens and adolescent children can be equally as rocky in its own way. In this stage we put in our greatest of effort to provide them with enough life skills that create well rounded adults who will transition smoothly to the shore of adulthood and be successful men and women in their respective fields that they are preparing for. It can potentially breed resentment if and when parents feel they are being taken for granted (from their perspective) OR that the teens feel that his or her decisions are being put under a microscope whilst they are pushing for more and more opportunities to exercise creativeness and independence.

 I haven’t really gotten there as of yet with my own children (both of whom are below the age of five), hence I am unable to advise on what one should do….but from what I am told atleast, when teens experience strong emotions brought up by their raging hormones, they try to put on a cold and unaffected front with their parents in an effort to find the answers for themselves.  As they struggle to communicate their mixed-up thoughts and feelings with us, they often keep us at an arm’s distance using sardonic remarks or by becoming shut down entirely. The dynamic usually pans out as utter panic on the parent’s side and desperate ways to reach out to their child … but in rather unproductive ways.

  If we are not careful in the way we approach their need for autonomy, and instead jam things down their throats again and again ….ruling with an iron fist in each and every aspect of their lives, we risk leaving the relationship in complete shreds.  They may openly comply with what we ask of them but go through their lives with a sense of shame hanging above them for not living up to our perfect standards.

 OR worse still, they may just perceive it as a lack of affection from our side when we chastise them and constantly force them to live up to our mold of perfection and end up rebelling against us completely. Trouble will start brewing and it can severely impact the bonds of unity in the entire household from the parents, younger siblings and even other relatives.

 This is not to say that the child can be given a free pass to let go of all boundaries; and then head on their own path of unfettered freedom. No!  But to enforce the guidelines in a draconian way will trap them into a cycle of guilt and shame, stifling them from opportunities to grow and become mature responsible adults. On the other hand perhaps, we should aim to anchor our kid’s emotions and desires by being firm, consistent and fair; narrowing it down to the most important priorities that are unnegotiable in terms of our moral principles. Letting them know that we are there to calmly listen to them whenever they feel they are in trouble, is also a way to keep the channel open and hand them some level of trust. Maybe it feels completely shattering at this point, but as they say.. the darkness of the night acts a backdrop for the brightness of the following morning. You have made it through this far, and In’sha’Allah your child will be out of the woods soon 🙂 May Allah grant all our children goodness in their youth and beyond, upon what is pleasing to Him.

What I want to end this on…I was recently informed by someone close, on how the parent to child connections never cease EVEN when the child is married off and has children of their own. After all, they are a part of us and we are a part of them! (Look up the phenomenon called Fetal-Maternal Chimersim) We may still be full of worry at times and sit in anticipation second guessing if they are verging too close to danger or whether the big decisions they are contemplating, align with the vision we wanted for them.

 So.. to sum up, this person (may Allah reward her) then advised me sincerely that at the end of the day, we ought to come to the realisation that our child is and always was a temporary Amanah entrusted  to us for the period of their upbringing, and when we let that sink in we can finally have the peace of heart and mind knowing that we did the best we could within the limited capabilities and resources at the time.

 By now, the dictates of the type of relationship is that we can only try ‘coach’ the grown up child as and when they reach out for our support by being an impartial and objective third party. If anything pokes at us…. or seems off, the best method to re-gain serenity on the issue is by reaching our hands out to the heavens, praying to Allah that He protects and guides our children in everything related to their lives, both the Dunya matters and the Aakhira matters.