Harmonious and secure marriages have a positive impact on our life, health and happiness and lead to flexibility during misunderstandings and the survival of the relationship in the long term.

In this two-part discussion we are going to remind ourselves how to create connection and mutual love throughout our marriages, followed by some methods from couples therapy on how to work through the distress when there is a loss of this love, when the sense of good manners owed to one another as husband and wife has completely broken down.

Think back to when you got engaged and were then merged in a single unit under one home. When you start your life off as husband and wife you spend time together to learn about one another’s moods, worries, needs, concerns and so on. Your trust starts to grow as you discover your spouse’s personality at a deeper level and if a problem occurs you hopefully try your best to communicate your concern in the best possible way. Along with this, other aspects such as treating one another with respect, being accepting, offering support, keeping intimacy alive and knowing how to compromise builds a strong base for a marriage that works.

Couples should at regular intervals, have quality time together in which they have a long/short talk about their well-being, perhaps chatting over a cup of tea or while out for dinner or coffee. A sense of constant entitlement or always doing things on your own terms is damaging to a relationship – when there is too much taking and no giving, from one or both parties.

Creating a loving family also comes through a sense of companionship between husband and wife such that both can come to one another when they need support or to talk about something on their mind (we’ll talk more about this later).  Expressing appreciation also goes a long way in creating stronger bonds and closeness. In line with the prophetic advice of spreading love through gifts, the husband and wife should occasionally exchange gifts as a gesture that they care and value the other person.

During a conflict they should aim to be open-minded, sensitive and understanding so as to keep their common enemy ; the devil and his attempts to creative a negative narrative regarding one’s spouse’s intentions at bay. Allah says in the Quran “ And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces [dissension] among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy. (17:53).

It is understandable that you may need some time to yourselves to let the anger or hurt subside, but we shouldn’t go overboard and isolate ourselves from our partner for more than three days; “It is not lawful for the Muslim to desert his brother for more than three nights; they meet; so this one turns away and the other turns away, and the better one of the two is the one who greets the other first.” [Al-Bukhari and others]. Taking the initiative before the coldness takes root is praiseworthy and not a sign of weakness, as some may think.

Having gone through these reminders, let us address what happens when couples feel they have grown apart or conflicts are happening more frequently. According to Dr. Sue Johnson the Author of ‘Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of Love’, we are all interdependent beings who yearn for a loving relationship with someone who we trust and feel close to. This need for a secure attachment is a primary need like any other and can give us strength to get through life’s ups and downs knowing that we are with a “safe, accessible, responsive, and engaged lover”.

In her EFT (Emotion Focused therapy) she highlights the need for a safe emotional connection with a few loved ones, and helps couples to see that when either of them is unsure of this connection it starts a negative spiral of habitual behaviours she calls the ‘Demon dialogues’.

 Essentially demon dialogues is the blame-distance loop, where one party becomes critical and pushes for connection through aggressive displays of behaviour. The other person who is unable to deal with these difficult feelings of inadequacy or feeling rejected often denies the problem and numbs their feelings, thus becoming cold and distant. Although the couple may be fighting over a mundane problem, it all boils down to lack of emotional intimacy and connection. The couple must be willing to notice these negative patterns and talk to one another without demanding and justifying.

They should invite their spouse to understand that they feel deserted. Once they voice their feelings of rejection or hurt (usually a cover up for emotions like sadness, fear, shame or embarrassment), there should be no fear of judgement. Now comes the role of secure bonding, where the partner who has absorbed all of this information should make an effort to re-establish emotional safety through reassurance ,comfort and consideration.

She then goes on to explain that couples then need to think deeply about how certain ‘raw spots’ that possibly originate from their partner’s past or their current relationship can result in sudden crises. Once these are addressed, it’s time to add in the form of physical connection, as well as predicting the dangers points that could crop up in the future so that you can work on them having already known what it is like to bond using a positive model. Participating in weekly or daily rituals together encourages you to pay attention to the relationship continuously without falling back into missing the signals for attachment needs.

In summary, this is a recap of how one can journey positively through the inevitable conflicts in their marriage, through the lens of Attachment theory.